y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
