I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
