Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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