im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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