if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
