Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
