do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
