I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
