whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
