i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
