Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
