I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
