Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.