peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.