Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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