That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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