Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she pinky promised me she was 18
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Randomize
