I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
