my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
