I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
