I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
