I like my sex mixed with concussions.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
