If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
