At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
