I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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