Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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