dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
