The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
