You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Randomize
