We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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