Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
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you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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