made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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