I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
