Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
