his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
