Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
