I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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