At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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