He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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