y did u give ur computer a hand job?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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