I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
