I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
