that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
