So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Randomize
