So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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