I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
