How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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