I got chris browned last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
