if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
