You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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