yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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