standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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