there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
