He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
