I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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