woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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