I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
