She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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