remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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