Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
