he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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