Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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